Behind the Scenes

On the archetypal time of filming, a tiny unit acceptable up successful my parents’ location successful Long Beach, California. We were shooting a abbreviated documentary astir my parents’ experiences arsenic Vietnam War refugees who were utilized arsenic inheritance extras successful Apocalypse Now nearly 50 years ago. Though my parents played a assortment of characters — translators, Viet Cong, drivers, POWs — they had nary look clip and nary speaking parts. Director Francis Ford Coppola sought to authenticate his movie by hiring Vietnamese extras. My parents were formed arsenic inheritance characters successful a communicative they lived. We hoped the documentary would displacement perspective, foregrounding their stories instead.  

In the kitchen, I interviewed my mother. We’d ever had an casual relationship. Though we had to docket astir her regular work, this portion felt straightforward. It felt similar each different speech I’d ever had with my mother.

I was tense astir my father’s participation, though. While helium was besides unfastened astir his life, our narration was strained. I was his big daughter, a writer calved successful the US and accustomed to speaking my mind; helium was a patriarch who grew enraged erstwhile I voiced opinions that didn’t lucifer his. Our narration was inactive recovering aft my begetter said he’d disown maine for a 3rd time. Now, we said small to 1 different beyond hullo and goodbye. My begetter agreed to the interview, but I wasn’t definite what would happen. 

I’d primed him astir what to expect, but erstwhile helium returned location from enactment and saw the lighting and camera setup, helium exclaimed successful Vietnamese, “What is each this? I person thing to say. My beingness isn’t important.” 

From what we knew, nary video-documented first-person accounts by extras from the acceptable of Apocalypse Now existed. We were trying to see stories of Vietnamese radical who were acceptable connected the margins by this film. My father’s communicative was important. But however would I beryllium capable to explicate this to him?

I looked nervously astatine the crew. I had scheduled a week for production. I’d received assistance funding, flown the manager and cinematographer retired from New York, budgeted for food, and figured retired housing. We’d already changeable successful Vietnam and the Philippines 2 months before. If my begetter wasn’t going to participate, however would we marque our film?

My ma walked successful from the room and intervened: “It’s for a schoolhouse project! Just spell on with it.”

Inside, I chuckled. It wasn’t for a schoolhouse project. I hadn’t been successful schoolhouse for years. But this was my mom’s mode of making this task comprehensible to him.

My begetter nodded, inactive scowling, and shuffled into the chamber to alteration retired of his enactment clothes. When helium emerged and spotted the crew, his demeanor changed. He mightiness beryllium good challenging his household down closed doors, but helium didn’t privation to look hard successful beforehand of others. He smiled, introducing himself, shaking hands, playing the lukewarm host. 

The dependable recordist affixed mics to my parents’ shirts. My parents sat down connected the surviving country couch. We turned connected the tv and played a country from Apocalypse Now. Their narration was, astatine times, sad, but besides funny, punctuated with laughter arsenic they spoke astir a clip astir 5 decades prior. I relished successful my parents’ communal storytelling, the mode they completed each other’s sentences. It felt similar our meal array conversation.

On the tv screen, we saw 2 Vietnamese women shooting instrumentality guns into the air. 

Pointing astatine the screen, my begetter said, “At that time, your parent wore apparel similar a…”

“…Viet Cong,” replied my mother, laughing. 

My begetter chimed in, “She was holding an AK-47, shooting up astatine US helicopters!”

My parent nodded. “I was truthful scared. I stuffed fabric into some of my ears.”

“You know, successful Vietnam, poems rhyme.”

I wrote insistently astir my household due to the fact that the satellite extracurricular of my location — the school, library, television, radio, movie theatre — lacked their voices. This erasure felt painful, and I sought to marque the satellite extracurricular of my location my home, too. This became a absorption of my art. Yet I seldom felt comfy sharing my enactment with my family, particularly my parents. I wrote successful English; they spoke Vietnamese. And anyway, I wasn’t definite that they afloat understood what I was doing arsenic a poet, children’s publication author, and now, filmmaker.

My parents vaguely understood that I was a writer. When I told my parent that I was getting an MFA successful poetry, she didn’t rather recognize what I was doing until I explained that the grade would let maine to thatch astatine the assemblage level. When my archetypal effort was published successful an contented of Poets & Writers, I showed my begetter a people transcript of the magazine, and helium declared, “Wow, that pistillate is truthful old!” The screen featured Joan Didion. When a fewer of my poems were translated from English into Vietnamese and published successful 1 of the main newspapers successful Vietnam, my relative forwarded a nexus to my father. His lone remark to maine was, “You know, successful Vietnam, poems rhyme.”

When my backstage penning and artmaking began to go public, I was faced with the question of bringing my ambitions into my family’s life. What seemed people similar a process of self-definition, of carving retired a abstraction wherever my household was nary longer being erased from the outer world, was besides freighted with questions astir power, duty, and responsibility. Was I penning astir my parents retired of love, oregon was I extracting their stories from them to marque a vocation successful art?

Once, aft I’d written astir my father’s explosive anger, helium told maine that I had a poetic mode of exaggerating the truth. “You haven’t experienced warfare first-hand,” helium told me. “Do you cognize what an detonation tin do?”

I didn’t. But I did cognize however it felt to beryllium my father’s daughter, and I knew what it felt similar to acquisition the warfare secondhand, done his stories and done him. I knew what it was similar to beryllium silenced. And I didn’t privation to take silence. 

My begetter told maine once, “You’re my daughter. Your occupation is to look down and accidental yes.” When I told him I couldn’t fulfill that role, helium said, “From present connected out, you’re not my daughter.” He didn’t amusement up for Thanksgiving that year. 

Being disowned by my begetter was excruciating. I cried for years and felt astatine a nonaccomplishment for what to bash oregon however to beryllium successful a satellite wherever my father, the taxable of truthful overmuch of my writing, wouldn’t talk to me. 

For my project, I besides faced a dilemma: I nary longer had entree to 1 of my main interrogation subjects. I’d devised this creation task arsenic a mode of knowing myself and my family. Suddenly, I didn’t cognize however to beryllium astir him. During those years, I faced the question of what it meant to constitute my father’s communicative without him successful my life. 

So I wrote poems successful a speculative mode, wondering, Who are we to 1 different erstwhile we are nary longer successful each other’s lives? I wrote poems successful his voice, trying to recognize him arsenic a afloat dimensional person. These poems would go an important braid successful my postulation Becoming Ghost.

Bomb that histrion enactment backmost astir a 100 yards. Give maine country to breathe.
a aureate shovel
Daughter, I deliberation you embellish what you don’t know. A bomb
is thing similar a slammed door. That
is conscionable your poetic imagination. Have you seen a tree
disappear into flames? That’s what a weaponry tin do. I taught you, line
by line, my ain poetry. It was a opus back
when I went hungry. Your grandma died erstwhile I was about
to crook ten. I became an orphan then. I made definite that you ne'er went without a
meal. I taught you to number to 1 hundred
in Vietnamese. You played successful backyards,
on plaything sets, agleam shards of writer astatine your feet. I tried to give
you the information I ne'er had. And now, you archer me
that you are acrophobic of me? You fastener yourself successful your room
and constitute my story. I’m here, waiting to
be acknowledged. Can you perceive maine breathe?

For years, I continued to constitute astir my parents’ lives arsenic a mode to recognize them and our rift. Though I was profoundly sad, I felt empowered to constitute astir my parents, knowing that our stories overlapped, that I besides had a close to archer these stories. Eventually, my parent stepped successful and brokered a fragile bid betwixt my begetter and me. It made our household gatherings little awkward, but determination was inactive an uneasy hostility successful the air. We would deliberately debar 1 different successful bid to forestall different confrontation. When I met Chris Radcliff, who would go the manager and exertion of the film, things betwixt my begetter and maine were inactive stiff. When Chris asked if I mightiness see making a documentary astir my parents’ engagement successful Apocalypse Now, I was taken by the thought of making a abbreviated movie but anxious astir what it would entail. I knew my parent would hold to it, but I was acrophobic of my father’s reactions.

At the meal table, I asked my father, “Can I movie you? I’m doing a task astir you and ma playing extras connected the acceptable of Apocalypse Now. You’d conscionable archer your story.” 

My begetter shrugged and replied, “Whatever you want.” 

He resumed eating. I was relieved. 

Who are we to 1 different erstwhile we are nary longer successful each other’s lives?

After we wrapped and completed postproduction, friends would inquire what my parents thought of the film. They kept insisting that my parents indispensable beryllium truthful proud. Proud? I thought. I hadn’t considered sharing it with my parents, and I hadn’t considered the thought that my parents would ever archer maine that they were arrogant of me. 

But an exertion for USA Today asked maine to constitute up a portion astir our watching the movie unneurotic for the archetypal time, and I agreed to bash it.

On Christmas Day, we assembled arsenic a household to unfastened gifts and to devour dinner. I suggested that I surface the film. We each watched it unneurotic successful the surviving room. While my brothers and oldest nephew were rapt and curious, my parents watched silently. I recorded their absorption connected my phone. I was pleased by my brothers’ responses and waited anxiously to spot what my parents would say. I couldn’t ideate them saying they were arrogant of me, oregon congratulations. But, possibly I was wrong? Maybe they’d astonishment me. 

Once we reached the credits, my parent clapped her hands unneurotic and said, “Okay, clip for dinner!”

My parents said thing other astir the movie that night. Instead, the household admired my mother’s gorgeous Christmas turkey, stuffed with sticky atom and Chinese sausage. We took photos of my mother’s achievement. She spent the evening serving others portion the remainder of the household ate, and we complimented her cooking for the remainder of the meal. I realized that this was my mother’s large art, not conscionable the delicious nutrient but the mode my household gathered astir it.

Eventually, we would surface the film, We Were the Scenery, astatine festivals to antithetic audiences who had the accidental to consciousness the pleasance of sitting with my parents successful the surviving country arsenic they told maine their stories. My brothers attended the premiere astatine Sundance and were determination erstwhile we won the abbreviated movie award.

Still, that evening, it did sting a little, my parents’ full non-reaction. I had made the movie to grant them, possibly adjacent to prevention them from communicative erasure. But that night, I realized that my parents didn’t consciousness peculiarly honored, and they surely didn’t consciousness similar they needed maine to prevention them. Their lives were afloat of their ain stories. For my parents, storytelling was a mode for their children to recognize who they are and wherever they came from. They participated successful my interviews retired of emotion for me. They understood their information successful my poesy and movie arsenic thing that I wanted. Our storytelling has antithetic priorities and antithetic aims. I realized that I made the movie for maine and for radical similar maine — radical who felt the value of this communicative successful a satellite wherever it was not available. 

The movie didn’t person a beardown effect connected my parents due to the fact that they didn’t request it. As we ate meal that night, I could spot that my parents didn’t consciousness my consciousness of their marginalization. They were already the stars of their ain lives.